Correct usage of the wrong words

 

"Fuck Off dude", "Fuck You!!", "Screw you man" or "Go to Hell"; common expressions of casual banter that we find in the lingo of the modern educated intelligentsia of India. Because of my sadistic bend of mind and my usual hobby of bheja frying my serious thinking friends, I do get a whole lot of these beautiful phrases dipped in various extents of emotional cocktail. However, in recent times with the exponential increase in the usage of these phrases I started analysing their favourite words. So here's a snapshot of my ongoing research that might help all and sundry by improving the usage of these words:

1. "Fuck Off dude" – Hey people, just hold on for a second. Whom are you telling this? Fucking is supposed to be an extremely pleasurable activity. So if you're telling someone to fuck off, you are actually telling him "Pestering me is a waste of time. There's a whole bunch of pleasurable activities that you can do. Just go and try them". That actually should be a statement of irritation or a mild playful reproach for someone who's bothering you more than you had bargained for. So use it correctly. And be careful; never use it with Profs or bosses. You got to be the most defective piece of the almighty's handiwork on earth to wish something so good for them.

2. "Fuck You!!" – Again a proper usage of this phrase needs to be done. The usual usage being to say that "I DON'T AGREE TO WAT YOU SAY". Well good enough. But then why are you wishing him to do something abysmally more pleasurable than eating your head.

3. "Screw you man" - Still under research. As of now, you can use it as and when you want in whatever proportions you want. Wait for the updates when I get a hold of it.

4. "Go to Hell" – Man, you need to see some ads. Well, hell is the next happening place. And you're wishing the person to go there. Oh wow, u must be a real good buddy of the person. Anyways, so if you want the person to really suffer then use "Beg in Hell" or "Rot in heaven".

Now, with every research there are always some expected and some unexpected results. Some of these outcomes later on go to be big inventions while some peter away unnoticed. The following phrases have been a part of the ongoing thought process to improve the English vocabulary. So here are a few more phrases that you might find handy according to your mood.

Go Rape Yourself – Well that's a pretty nasty way of telling someone that you wish him/her to "leave you and do something infinitely more painful in the most dangerously lonely way". Wow, that feels really good! It's the ideal statement to whiff off some pestering pest or to give words to the exploding mass of anger dying to come out of you.

Hang below heaven – That's better than go to hell. After all you don't want to send the person to a happening place. So you ask someone to be continuously be tempted by the beauty of the 'apsaras', bored by the monotonous music, irritated by the cleanliness all around and yet not be able to do anything since your hanging for your dear life. Wow that's torture of the 4^th degree.

Rot in Heaven– "Isn't that LEGEN – wait for it – DARY", as Barney would have said it (please refer to the sitcom 'How I met your mother' for a more visual explanation of the previous phrase). Can u imagine a worse thing happening to someone? A place where people are partying without a trace of anything even remotely gray, you are rotting. Just imagine the hatred that you would be emanating from your more physically sound compatriots.

I hope the modern guy and gal has been really emancipated by the tons of B***S*** that I have written before.

Statutory warning: The aforementioned passage was written when I was extremely frustrated with life, love and work and did not know how to while away time. So unless you are absolutely without any possible work to do, read it.